lily_bythewaters's Xanga

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 15:17:46 GMT

Yikes...has it really been December since I posted last?

Well...here I am..married, in the midst of spring and a million art projects, including my first actual exhibition...and I wrote a little something today about art.

***

As many people who know me have found out by spending any length of time around me, I am an artist. But what most people don't know or understand is how I struggle with creating art and living my faith. I think the two are not mutually exclusive, yet I have definitely encountered Christians who believe otherwise. As a result, sometimes I have been met with disgust, misunderstanding, and perhaps even some venhemence by my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ because of what I am pursuing as my career.
Somehow being an artist makes me more prone to be a "heathen"...

However, not all of my acquaintences feel this way, as I have had some great encouragement from the church as well. I have met a few other Christian artists who struggle along the same path as me, and some great friends who have come alongside me to support the work I do.

Today, I was reading an articles at the online webzine, Boundless, and encountered something that gave me some comfort and assurance that I would like to share with anyone who is interested...here is the excerpt that I found particularily interesting...

Struggling with Art

The Christian Church has had a love-hate relationship with the arts, oscillating between using the arts for liturgical and educational purposes and dismissing the arts as merely decorative and even offensive and idolatrous. But today there is a growing trend in the use of the arts in congregational life and in the study of the arts in religious educational programs.

Many Christians, however, still wonder what role the arts can play in forming our spiritual lives. The visual arts are still too often relegated as indulgent with little to offer in Christian discipleship. But on the contrary, art reminds us that we are made in the image of a Creator and pulls us into the presence of God while calling us to live as we have been created to live, given the gift of joining in God's creative activity.

Christ, as the new Adam, reconfigures our relationship to the Triune God, making the divine visible in a completely new way, one that forces us into relationship with that which has been incarnated. A God made flesh redeems the act of human creativity and the possibility of making our human grasping and glimpsing of God more tangible.

Because of the incarnation our confession and worship of God requires that it be more than intellectual. It requires corporeal practices. The sons and daughters of Adam are invited anew to join in God's creative activity through imaginatively naming new realities of all that has already been given. Poetry, literature, visual art, sculpture, dance and music are all ways of creatively expressing the human condition and creation's interaction with the Divine.

Artistic expression is a striving for more, a visual hunger for transcendental realities that can only be shaped out of what has already been given to us, unlike God who creates out of nothing. But like our Creator, such creative shaping can also lead to new realities we can live into.

To read the whole article...check out this link. http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001487.cfm

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 20:29:14 GMT

God is fierce...and that is why I love him.

If he were tame, predictable, always the same, boring, dull, and always giving in to what I want instead of what is best for me...things would be bad. How do I know what is best for me? A finite small creature with selfish tendencies and only so much comprehension of the world?

He's the God who made the tallest and most formidable mountain in the world, yet gently and softly sculpts the smallest flower. He can't fit into the boxes we try to build around him- and he laughs at our ultimatums.

He's infuritating, and deafening, and silent, and marvelous, and all of those things rolled up into one. He isn't human, and I'm glad I can't control or predict what will come up next.

And despite all of these things, and all of the things that we are...he loves us. Becuase He can and because He wants to. And because He is good. Everything that is good comes from Him. Not because we earned it.

Maybe all that stuff we think is important all the time really isn't.

Job 38: 4-19

"Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?
Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone- while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?

"Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb, when I made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in thick darkness, when I fixed limits for it
and set its doors and bars in place, when I said, 'This far you may come and no farther; here is where your proud waves halt'?

"Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place, that it might take the earth by the edges and shake the wicked out of it? The earth takes shape like clay under a seal; its features stand out like those of a garment. The wicked are denied their light, and their upraised arm is broken.

"Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea or walked in the recesses of the deep? Have the gates of death been shown to you? Have you seen the gates of the shadow of death? Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth? Tell me, if you know all this.

"What is the way to the abode of light? And where does darkness reside?"

Job really didn't stand a chance to all of that. All that stuff that was so important to him and "unjust" just fell away at the amazingness of God.

God is awesome.

Enough said.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Thu, 16 Nov 2006 12:13:50 GMT

Changes..

I am finally being hit by the amount of changes that being married will bring to my life. It's not a bad thing, by far....just different. I feel as if another chapter in my life is getting ready to end and a new one is just beginning.

I am so used to being an independent woman who everyone relies on for things...one of the hardest adjustments will be learning to rely on Mike for things instead of just myself and God. It will be an adjustment in learning to be vulnerable to him, moving to a new house, learning how to act and react in a new family, and learning how to put someone else's needs over my own. Finances will be handled differently, as will relationships with other people (even my parents). My relationship with God will even change, not as a bad or a negative thing, but just....different.

Sometimes change is hard for me. It's not that the unknown isn't exciting, it's just that it can be..dangerous. That part of me which clings to security screams, "But so much could possibly go wrong!" But if I listened to that voice all the time, I would have never of done the things that mean the most to me in my life so far. I would have never gone to Scotland. I would have never started missions works. I would have never moved here to Dayton when God made it apparent that was what he wanted....

Both loving and living requires risks. It requires stepping out of your comfort zone and trusting God with whatever may come. Change brings growth- it keeps you from trying to control everything around you, risk brings greater growth in trusting God over yourself.

Although I am twenty-three, I feel like I am still growing up...becoming more of an adult and less of the little girl that I was not so long ago...

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. " ~1 Corinthians 13:4-12

Monday, October 30, 2006

Mon, 30 Oct 2006 14:05:27 GMT

Absolutely amazingly beautiful.

Yesterday Mike took me to Hocking Hills to see the most Scottish-looking place I've seen outside of Scotland. It made me miss it so much, I definitely teared up. But it was an awesome day. The leaves were perfect, the hills looked so much like "home"..it just amazed me once again to be hit by God's creativity and love. To see the gnarled trees, and the cliffs, and the caves...and to experience it all with Mike- was just the perfect gift from God.

But even more perfect than that was Ash Cave. We walked along a path- surrounded by trees hundreds of feet tall- and rocky cliffs and moss all around us. The yellow leaves shone brightly in the waning sun. It was almost like a crescendo of beauty when we got to the cave. It was 700 feet long and 90 feet tall, nestled into a cliff with a waterfall gracefully flowing from the middle into a small sandy perfect pool. It took my breath away. Mike lead me to the pool and we held hands in perfect silence and awe. He said it was even better than he remembered it to be.

But what was even better was him kneeling down and asking me to be his wife, there in that perfect spot. It just amazes me to think of how much God loves me and has done in both of our lives. To be in that Scottish-feeling wild place with the man I love, declaring his love for me....

I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day. And even though there were times I was impatient with God's plan...I am so glad it is unfolding in His perfect timing instead of my own.

God has taken me from the bitterness of sorrow to an amazing and better place. He has brought so much healing in my life and my heart. He has turned my weeping into dancing and my despair into so much joy. Blessed be the name of the Lord, may my amazement at his grace never cease....

"In his heart a man plans his course,
but the LORD determines his steps." ~Proverbs 16:9

"No longer will they call you Deserted,
       or name your land Desolate.
       But you will be called Hephzibah,
       and your land Beulah ;
       for the LORD will take delight in you,
       and your land will be married." ~Isaiah 62:4

This last verse was a promise given to me by God 3 years ago, when I despaired of the past and of my lost life beyond ever hoping to see something else...it's amazing to see it coming to fruition....

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Wed, 13 Sep 2006 20:22:37 GMT

I want to walk in a garden with God again...

I want to climb cliffs with him..

And watch the sea crash against the cliffs...

And smell the heather crunched under my feet...

I want to explore castle ruins with him..

And stare in awe at the amazing forests he has shaped...

I want to see him in the patterns of the stars...

I want to see him in the stillness of a mountain-fed loch...

I miss Scotland.

I miss my honeymoon place with God.

My heart aches and I don't know how to fix it...

Some things remain broken....

Photo copyright of Katrina Miller- please do not use without permission.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Mon, 11 Sep 2006 15:28:56 GMT

Now, I don't normally put fluff entries on my xanga (I leave that to Myspace)...

But, I took this test for my roomies so we can all compare. ;)

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion:

You have medium extroversion.
You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party.
Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences.
But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time."

Conscientiousness:

You have medium conscientiousness.
You're generally good at balancing work and play.
When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done.
But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it.

Agreeableness:

You have high agreeableness.
You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly.
Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone.
You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance.

Neuroticism:

You have low neuroticism.
You are very emotionally stable and mentally together.
Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly.
Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is high.
In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.
You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.
A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Wed, 06 Sep 2006 18:16:02 GMT

So, while waiting for Mike yesterday I decided to watch the documentary on Ansel Adams that I had checked out from the library. As I watched, I was amazed at the quality of his work...at the light and the values and the amazing views and contrast... and I also had some bittersweet realizations. I remember when I was in Scotland, and how the beauty of that place would make your heart ache, even now. I realized that this is how Ansel Adams felt about Yosemite, and why he dedicated most of his life to try and capture those feelings in his work.

In his letters and journals he spoke of the amazing quality of light, of the transforming power that the scenery had on him, how it made him ache inside with the sheer beauty of it all. It's a bittersweet thing to realize that despite all of that, he missed the one who created it all. For more than 50 years he spent every day out photographing this beauty that God put in front of him..it's like God was whispering, "I am here. Look at what I have created so that you would notice me. Look at what I have lovingly etched into existance..." and he looked around, was awed, and yet...missed it. Every day God blessed him with yet even more sights of beauty and awe so as to get his attention, and he missed it.

That is a hard realization, that he would pour so much of his soul and love and energy into just a fraction of the beauty and wonder that God had for him. It makes me weep inside to think of other artists who do the same, who are enthralled by the beauty of this world without ever realizing that it is just an echo of what things should have been or how they will be again someday.

How often do I miss God yet dance excitingly over the particular color of the sky or of a newly fallen leaf or a budding flower. How often does God send a gorgeous sunset just to say, "Look at the beauty I have painted for you, my love?"

God has so much patience with us artists. How can we see so much, yet so little at the same time?

"One thing I ask of the LORD,
       this is what I seek:
       that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
       all the days of my life,
       to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
       and to seek him in his temple." ~Psalm 27:4

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Thu, 31 Aug 2006 13:06:05 GMT

"The whole world of mankind, by the fall, is become a lost world: lost as a city is lost when it has revolted to the rebels, as a traveller is lost when he has missed his way in a wilderness, as a sick man is lost when his disease is incurable, or as a prisoner is lost when sentence is passed upon him.... Christ undertook the cause when it was given up for lost: undertook to bring those to themselves that were lost to God and all goodness. Observe, Christ came into this lost world to seek and save it. His design was to save, when there was not salvation in any other.... He seeks those that were not worth seeking to; he seeks those that sought him not, and asked not for him."

~Matthew Henry

It's amazing to think about...when we are faced with our own human depravity, when we are frustrated once again with our sin and failings, we can remember that Jesus died for us not because we were worthy or righteous or deserved it, but solely because we didn't. He loved us and died for us when we were at our worst, when we spit in his face and hated him for being who he was.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Wed, 23 Aug 2006 18:30:58 GMT

Funny how we try so hard to hide from God. I think He sees us hiding and it's like that little kid who hides his eyes and shouts, "now you can't see me!"

He recently caught me "hiding" again. Wrapped me in His arms and said, "Why are you hiding from me, my love?"

"Because I don't want to feel this way.."

He just gave me that look. A gentle, but stern look. Explain, it said. I sighed.

"It's too hard, it hurts too much. It's so much easier to pretend to not care."

He looked me in the face and stroked my hair gently.

"I gave you my heart for these people for a reason. Sometimes you have to feel my heart to do something to bring them closer to me. Hurting because you care is better than being apathetic and walking away...These are my people too. I love them, as I love you. They have so much inside of them, but also so much brokenness..so much pain. I trust you to show them me, so that they can become who I made them to be, not what the world has made them to be."

A million thoughts rolled around in my head. Memories of Scotland..of Spain..of the old man in Morocco. Dirty little faces, empty haunted looks, the drunk man passed out outside our flat...It was just...too much. A tear rolled down my cheek and the dam inside that I had been stuffing everything behind broke. I cried, and He held me.

***

I feel like God has put this insane desire in my heart to bring people of other cultures to Him. But it hurts. It's hard to bear the ache of loving someone and not know how to tell them about God. And not that "in love" sort of thing, but really loving people. Loving their culture, and their uniqueness, and the amazing creativity that God had in designing each one, whether it's someone from India or China or Tibet or Scotland.

But it hurts.

To see them come to America and see how the church can be such a bad example to them of who God is. It hurts to think of how I fail at being a good example. It hurts to watch them strive and strive to please their gods and to see the emptiness in their hearts when the One who created them with that desire is right there, waiting...for them to notice Him. Waiting..for us to show the way. And we sit, silent...worried of them not liking us, or of being called a name. When believers in other countries are dying for their faith, dying to hold a bible in their hands and to read its words....I sit here worried that someone will stop being my friend....

How sad am I? How selfish can I be?

It's so much easier to go on with life, pretending not to notice, not to care. Because I'm afraid that if I care too much, I will break with the pain of not being able to help them.

I have let fear bind me once again.

The hardest thing to do is sit here and wait. I wish I could go...I wish I had the funds to go and help. Today, not tomorrow. Why does this all have to be so intense if I'm supposed to stay here and finish my degree?

Frustration.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Wed, 02 Aug 2006 18:21:57 GMT

I feel like I'm going to have to learn to be like Joseph...

Joseph went through many hard times, many trials, and when things looked like they were getting better..something else to test him would come along. He was sold into slavery by his own brothers, then ended up spending years in prison for a crime he not only didn't commit, but stood up for the right thing for...but then he ended up second in command in Egypt only to Pharoah! It wasn't because God was playing a cosmic game of keep-away, but because the calling for Joseph was so great, he needed to be tested beyond ordinary means to handle the responsibility correctly.

My life has not been easy, yet I have always been taken care of. I've gone through many hard things that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Yet, I've had so many people pray over my life and tell me that I have an amazing and strong calling which God is waiting to define for me, but that I need to trust him in the meantime, in the midst of all the craziness- because He is preparing me. After I got back from Scotland, I felt like I lost track of something somewhere...and I let the troubles I was facing take my focus off of the one who could get me through.

It's been a battle to get back to where I need to be, but I'm getting there. Things have been hard this past year, but there have also been amazing things. Blessings that God had promised have started to bear some fruit, and although all of the little quirks and kinks have been driving me batty, God has promised to help me through it all.

He just told me today that He misses me. And I've realized that because of all the craziness of moving, working multiple jobs, and schoolwork, I haven't spent time with Him like I used to. It's also kind of nice to think that the creator of the universe, everything beautiful and complex, misses me.

I'm hoping to change that,by spending more time with Him, and also..I'm going to be talking to my "second" mom at church, Rhonda to ask if she can meet with me once a week to be sort of a mentor. That's a part of YWAM I really miss.... having that older, more experienced Christian woman on your side, meeting with you to help you, give you advice, prayer, hugs, and a strong poke (if needed).

Things may be tough, but God is training me for something, I just have to keep faithful to what He would have me do in the meantime, be it something small and mundane, or something big and exciting.